HudakChullu ki Vichitra Gaathayein

2009-08-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

I had been sitting here for an hour now, writing and erasing, again and again. there are just so many things that cant be jotted down. I could have only said it in your ears, something which is now a rare possibility.

I wish you could know how much you mean to me. it's heart breaking to leave knowing that you hate me the most. I wasn't so bad. but I guess life is not about fair deals. Whatever I am facing is perhaps what has been destined for me. So let's go and fight it out. you, my love, take care. what if I didnt get your hand in this life, second life is not far away. I will get you this time.

and by the way, you are the most stupid girl I have ever met. I drew your sketches in my free time. I drew them because you are beautiful. your beauty is intoxicating. who would otherwise spend hours of effort trying to sketch a girl with all his sincerity? have you ever thought that you are the only girl I have ever tried to sketch? And I have done it at least a hundred times. you are such a stupid, dumb sweetheart. I really wish I could kiss you and express my love for you.

I sound stupid saying all this, don't I. Just wanted to say all this. stupid or not. you know what. there are things that you would have loved to know. like those secrets that are exciting to hear and kind of naughty. whatever.

love you my sweetheart. oh did I tell you that this is my last post!!!

2009-08-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

miss you my love. I wish you get all the happiness.

2009-08-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

I love you dear. the day has been awful since morning. your thoughts are so engulfing today...cant just stop thinking about you.
I remember the time when I first saw you. you standing near the bench, just behind your mom while I talked to your dad in the Admissions hall. I never knew that moment would be one of the most treasured one in my life.
But it is one now. there had been some special moments that keeps me going. when I lose all hope and strength, it is like every part of my existence squeezes out every available drop of my strength and my faith, and doesn't let me give up. I will win my love for you. and for us.

I can't see you struggle alone. I can't see the sufferings that you have went through and are still going through. I will work hard to give you the best in life. I will make the rest of your life a paradise of love and happiness.

take care dear.
miss you so much.

2009-08-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

Love is really amazing. I see so many girls around. But I keep thinking about you all the time. I get lost in your thoughts right between my lectures. I listen to everyone, talk to everyone, but you are right there in my thoughts. It is as if a part of my brain needs you to work, it needs your presence.

I wish you could know how much I love you. I wish I could show that to you. I wish you could see the pain with which I have spent the last couple of years, the moisture that fills my eyes when I miss you. I haven't hear your voice in months. and you have absolutely no idea that it is the only thing that I want to hear right now.

The thought that hurts me the most is the amount of anger and hatred that you have for me.
I wish I could be with you again. I miss you a lot.

2009-08-02T06:23:00.000-07:00

miss you my love.

when I see the couples around me, walking hand in hand, and I see the look of happiness in the girl's face, I deeply wish to see the same look in your eyes when you are with me.

you are the reason why I want to live. without you, I am incomplete.

2009-07-27T11:09:00.000-07:00

miss you my love. I wish we could travel together in each other's company.
You are the most beautiful lady I have ever seen. you make me yearn to improve myself - for you.
I love you, I love you a lot.

Take Care

2009-07-12T10:09:00.002-07:00

you know what...
my parents taught me everything I needed...and you made me complete. you made the kid 'a man'. Thanks.
When I get you back, and get that I will, I would be only yours. Entirely.

2009-07-12T08:41:00.001-07:00

you are my life. and I would win you with my love. It is unstoppable.
And when you come back to me, I would take care of you. and love you more than anyone else ever had.
you are my soulmate. And I would claim you as mine. May strength be with me.

2009-06-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

you are the best my Nellie...you are the best.

2009-06-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

This is the 3rd anniversary of the beautiful week that I last spent with you...when I caressed you, when I admired you and when we parted for what seems like ever.

I wish you all my happiness. with love.

2009-06-11T18:39:00.001-07:00

Nellie...I want to sing for you.

2009-06-11T01:42:00.000-07:00

miss you dear.

2009-06-10T04:09:00.000-07:00

can't get you out of head today morning?
where are you dear? this guy loves you with everything he has got. come back soon. My strength to pursue my love is on its verge of breaking. the pain is high and the hopes none.I don't envision a life without you and I cant find you anywhere.
Just counting days since I last heard your voice, since I last saw you. It's been a little less than 3 months, since I last met you.
I don't even know if you miss me at all. But I miss you every moment in life. And I am not saying just for the sake of it. I wake up everyday and the first thing that comes to my mind is you. I spend hours lying on the bed and thinking about you. Your picture is on my desktop wallpaper, and I adore it every morning. You look so beautiful.I feel so wretched to have lost you. Everyday, in my eighty minutes of travel to office and back, it's all you that I think about. I don't even know why I am letting this out...so I will just shut myself down for now.

I hope to hear someday from you that you also loved me...at least once before I die. If you don't love me anymore, then let me just rest in peace.

2009-06-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

miss u dear.
you are so beautiful

2009-06-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

I miss u

2009-05-16T12:59:00.000-07:00

Congrats dear.
Through all odds, you have succeeded again.
I had always dreamed of this day, ever since you came for your studies.
Though this is not the way I had imagined it to be. I always thought of you sharing your happiness of this moment with me. Not about knowing this many hours after you received your degree and donned the convocation gown.

It's so tough to spend the day today. I miss you. And I wish that you could have loved me as you did once.

2009-05-08T04:16:00.001-07:00

miss you dear

2009-04-28T16:09:00.000-07:00

miss u honey.

a lot.

continuing...

2009-04-14T16:01:00.000-07:00

hey curious...
agar mein kisi aur ladki ke paas chale jaoon...wont you feel jealous!

Honestly, even after all this...I think you would. I dont know why (even after all that you said and did), even though mujhe laga nahin ki u love me any more...

i still feel that u too wld turn green eyed.

ha ha ha ... I must have become crazy. it is not even a few seconds and now I think you wont. you hardly give a @#R$ whatever I do. nah...

miss u

2009-04-14T15:43:00.000-07:00

jaane tu ya jaane na dekh raha tha.
miss u. purani baatein bhi yaad aa rahi thi. meri best friend kho gayee.
dil tut gaya. but haunsla nahin tutega. parson tera birthday hai. shaayad wish na karun. tera pehla birthday jo mein miss karunga. but ye to shuruwat hai. I better get used to it.

teri 3rd best friend mil jaye, to tu uske saath birthday manana. bas mujhe mat batana. jealous ho jaunga. I hate that guy whoever he might be. saale ka munh todne ka dil karta hai. lucky bastard. meri cheez chura le gaya. waise thik hi hai. may be u feel attracted to him...waise mein itna bura nahin tha. really hurts to know that you rejected me. kabhi miss bhi nahin karti. i think sabse jyada dukh is baat ka hai, that you no longer care that I am sad. jab bhi aankhein bhar aati hain...realize karta hun ki tere liye mere aansuon ki koi value hi nahin hai...and phir aise hi sukh jata hai.

aaj office se aate waqt soch raha tha. life kitni boring ho gayee hai. kab ye lafda khatm ho aur chutkara mile. life is beautiful though. Rozy apanka sangare katha heli aaji. side re tanka chota jhia ra kuni voice subhila. Rozy apa taku gela karile. and I missed u. bahut iccha hauthila tanku to bisayare kahiba pain. but kahilini. mera bas chale to puri duniya mein bata dun ki mun tate bhala paye. par unfortunately mein tujhe pasand nahin hun. chalta hai. c'est la vie. that's my favorite line since the day it all started.

mmmuuuaaaahhhh...meri pyaari billi.

miss u

2009-04-11T14:51:00.001-07:00

I miss you. you might not come back. but those memories... i would always cherish them. you gave me two best years of my life...taught me how to fall in love...and keep falling.
I see others who probably are in more pain than me. There would be people who never had time for love, never knew about it. Thanks to you honey. I wont fade away without this experience. Thanks for helping me face my only fear. I am not afraid any more. not afraid of sufferings.
you know what. when I see your face, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Your face has the charisma which captivates me. I feel peaceful. I feel happy. Your eyes are the most beautiful that I have ever seen. Your cheeks, smooth and sweet, I wish i could touch them, admire them. Everything about you is so perfect. When I see your face, I know that any man who gets the honor to be with you would rejoice. I would have. But sadly we dont get everything that we want. sometimes nothing.
I love you. I always had. And I always will.

I hope you get back all the happiness that you lost because of me. miss you hon.

2009-03-21T11:55:00.000-07:00

miss u my gulabo.
miss you so much.
eitharaka jetebele tate dekhili (tin barsa pare) tu bahut alaga dekha jauthulu. bahut sundar. bahut bahut sundar. iccha hauthila tate bahut gela karibi. kete munha sukheithilu. sweet munha ta.

I keep on looking at those snaps that we took in the skywalk. you look fabulous. the most beautiful face I have ever seen or dreamt about. there was a charm, a sweetness in that face. I can see that in the snaps. unless I would have known what is happening in your life, I would have easily said that you looked happy in the snaps. truly pretty.

I wish things could have different. you could have accepted me. there are so many things I wish now. I know I have already lost you but surprisingly still afraid to lose you. just the thought of someother man loving you hurts me. the thought of you caring for someone else, loving someone else more than me is killing me.

If this was the way it was supposed to end, why should it start at all. Destiny forced our ways together, I started loving you like a madman with just one passion, one desire in his life.and then you told me that you never loved me. the night in coffeeshop really hurt.
I want to talk to god. was this meant for something better in future. what can be better than you. nothing. there is nothing more beautiful than you. nothing. if he thinks there is something more beautiful than yhou in my life, let him have it. I dont want it. I only want you.
I wish I coudl tell you how much I love you, how much I care for you. I dont want anyone else to be more important in your life than me. nobody can ever love you more than the way I did. its impossible.

On Monday, when the signature problem started and I knew that you have not eaten anything, I felt the pangs of hunger in me. I wanted to come over to the library and sit by your side, just to give you company. even though I knew I was of no other use. each minute was painful I waited for your call. and when you did call up and said that the bus was after 20 mins, i didnt want you to be alone. I wanted to be there by your side.

huh...I dont want to live anymore. let this be my last life. please god. let this be my last life and let this be over soon. pretty soon.

10 more things...

2009-01-31T08:55:00.000-08:00

that I would want to do with her.
say 'I love you' to each other everyday...every moment

11. fly her business class
12. take her to Paris
13. get her enough money for a trip to egypt for her mom
14. gift her with a weeks vacation with chimpanzees
15. bungee jumping with her
16. open a school in her mom's name
17. take her to Shirdi
18. take her to the himalayas
19. vacation on a beach house

Today, these all seem like wishful dream to me...but I would make them happen - be this life or the next.

Moments of emotions

2009-01-19T17:33:00.000-08:00

Three days inside my apartment...without stepping outside the doors, you start talking to yourself.

How did it all happen? I keep asking myself. One moment someone was everything in your life...and the next moment the person is gone. There is not even someone that I can share my pain with. The one who could have understood doesnt want to talk anymore.

I am tired. Almost on the verge of giving up. My heart keeps saying 'remember your promise not to give up on this. things would change.' Would they? Really?

Tears fill my eyes for apparently no reason. I have felt the pain for the last two years. I wonder what wrong did I do to deserve such a fate. Let it be over. If this is the test of my life, I wont lose it.

If I dont get an admission this year, I would lose every hope that is remaining. How would I face anyone? I cant even talk to my parents properly, for the moment I hear them, I feel like crying. Such a worthless son. I pray everyday, let not anyone be born like me, in the way I am. Let not anyone have the fate that I had.

You always try to bring happiness into others life. And all you get is more pain.

Great. This relieves me a little. Time to go back and prepare for the applications. I would not give up. Not now. Not till I get what I want the most in my life.

(After 5 mins)
Now that I have regained control of my emotions, if I scroll up and read whatever is written above this line...I would probably think the same as you - What a loser? But I guess...that is what I go through everyday. Despair.

2008-12-30T21:26:00.000-08:00

day by day, you drift away

and still I dont understand why did you have to go away.
there is noone with whom i can share, i wait only for you.
come back, before i break down completely...please come back

miss you dear

2008-11-25T20:02:00.000-08:00

times have changed so much now...
would the clock ever turn a full circle??

miss you nemo

2008-10-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

yesterday, when I heard your voice while you spoke to her, I felt I hated you. But then, the hatred is because I miss you so much.
I wish you could love me back. I was telling her...I want to see you happy, but not in someone else's arms. I am good enough to take care of you.

And hey, your pictures...they are nice. you look beautiful. I kept looking at those this evening. I really wish I could be yours.

google

2008-09-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

this time when I googled her name, I got two more results, from her college pages. good to see them. I spent a minute with those results, looking lovingly at the name. and felt they would never be mine.

It's painful to see someone whom you love go away as you watch every move helplessly. if only someone could tell her - "aankhein roti rahin...aur palkon ko pata bhi na chala"

Does it hurt anymore!

2008-09-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, a lot.

Ever remember shooing away that disease struck stray dog with your shoe. I feel just like that. like that dog. How else does someone feel when the mails pile up in the sent mail folder, unanswered. How long can you drag yourself, pinned down with disappointment and sadness - raising your hand as you tell yourself - "hold on, don't give up".

every night reminds me of things that I was denied, even without a reason. I tried hard to see if I deserved this treatment. Perhaps I did something awful. Perhaps. But I cant find any.

You never did this to anyone in your life. You endured but never let anyone get hurt. Anyone except me. I cannot forget what you did to me. It's just not possible. I wish you could heal them with your love (if any).

For someone, who spent weeks to make your birthday colorful, forgets to wish on your birthday. You lie down on your bed, with the phone nearby. The call would come. You wait each minute for the next couple of hours, and thankfully the call does come. That was the only call that I waited to answer, only call that I received that night, before I switched off.

I remember telling her jokingly - "let my heart be with you. I know you would take good care". Now I wonder, where does this pain come from if you did take care. Happiness is a dream, which evades me every night, every morning.

But not the pain. After all, we have spent an year together...

(Now I do understand why they portray lovers as ...)

For you...Dear Nova

2008-08-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

Its for you...in the hope that someday you read this.

I was sick with cold. Yesterday night I was feeling feverish and the whole body ached. As I slept I kept on thinking about you, like always.
When I woke up today, the first thing I did was to pickup the Maxim magazine additional issue of "100 most sexiest women", not excited by the thought of looking at those figures, but excited about imagining you in some of the fashionable and expensive clothes.

The last one year has been painful, and I walked through it clinging to a faith that I dont even understand, its a faith which I dont know if ever it exists.

Its not about me or anyone else. Its about you. From the day we came closer, I had always wanted to hug you, kiss your forehead and show that I care. I always felt you close to me, with those cards you prepared so laboriously for me. Those cards go with me wherever I go. Even when I came back to hyderabad with the intention of spending just a month, I had all your four cards in my bag. Be it a month, a week or just a day, they are a part of me.

I spent a good time in the morning looking at them, thinking of those expressions on your face, while you tried to make it the best you can. While you tried to zero down on the pictures that you wanted on the card. While you tried to paste that small mirror and chocolate on your card, marking the person a sweetheart. And while you tried to put down the feelings through the crayons on the paper.

I dont think I can live without you. I always thought that nothing can break me. And certainly nothing could have, unless I would have allowed it to. I had no expectations, no desires, not even a bit interested in loving anyone. Loving you wasnt a choice. It just happened. There was no such idea, when you left. Neither was there any for those months when I missed you. So much you meant to me that once you were gone, the phone was no more a necessity. I easily left it back in home as you wont call me in the daytime anyways anymore.

We didnt jumped around our relationship like changing shuttle - it just got bigger, making you a much more important part of my life.

There is so much to write... and even more to whisper. should you come to me someday...

I love you

For you...

2008-07-15T07:12:00.001-07:00

10 things I would like to do in future with my Nova

1. Eat burger at burger king on the way to a trip to hiking trail
2. Visit a local temple, one which is not crowded but peaceful.
3. Rub mustard oil on her feet as she relaxes on the couch.
4. wake up in the morning and see her sleeping
5. lift her in my arms, embracing her when I reach US in July 2009
6. Go on a shopping spree.
7. Go biking with she sitting on the front.
8. watch a movie with her.
9. stare at her beautiful face while she continues her unending gossip.
10. Eat chilly chicken cooked by her.
10. Hear her say "I love you"

I miss you so much, my dear.

Simpletech 250 GB USB external hard drive not recognized in Win XP

2008-07-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

"USB drive not recognized". the moment I plug in my Simpletech Pinnifarnia 250 GB portable external USB hard drive to a computer running XP and some cases vista, I get the error.
Have been facing this problem for quite a long time.

Finally got the fix. Serendipity - should I say.
It happens that most computers particularly the old models(any system that existed before 2007) have the older USB port which limits the available power for the USB drive. As a result, the drive is unable to draw sufficient power to function properly. The OS responds to this as unrecognized drive.
Solution -
If the USB cable has a second USB interface for additional power(the simpletech hard drive most likely would have one, not sure about other manufacturers), connect it to the USB port of a second desktop or a laptop, to get the required power.
Note that connecting the secondary power cable to another USB port of the same computer may or may not solve the problem.

GMAT - The next thing

2008-04-24T05:49:00.000-07:00

Just spent a couple of hours going through various GMAT blogs, forums, posts, and so on. To think of it, blogs really did help, especially if written as a personal account of an experience. You feel as if you are living his moments for that entire period.
Anyways, today was good. Didnt talk much with M in the entire day. A few minutes in the morning and another few in the afternoon.
Thinking about my GMAT prep. Lets see.

(Was surprised to see that I did blog before. I completely forgot about the earlier posts of mine.)

Orkut...

2007-09-01T22:22:00.000-07:00

I was one of the starters when it came to Orkut. Not among the first hundreds, but may among the first thousands, of course Indians. I joined back in Sept 2004, after 5 months of its inception.
Today, I deleted it. And with it went away 3 years of wishes, curses and kisses.
Life for me is becoming interesting everyday. People whom I trusted, decieved while those whom I suspected, stood by.
I made a friend where I expected none, and got kicked where I had some. I waited the first quarter of life to find my dreamgirl, and when I met her, she became a dream. And there I am sitting in her home, typing on her laptop, very well aware that she made my day today.

I had never been truly jealous of anything, but a woman's will power and tolerance, things which I lack. Dream a lot, for if they come true, you get strenght from success, and if they fail, you get strength to fight ahead.

To Mamma..

2007-07-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

Mamma

missing Nellie a lot today.
Usney apne orkut profile mein likha hai 'I thought I have seen so much, but now I feel I have so much more to see'. padhke bahut yaad aayee.
dil kar raha tha ki usey call karoon, aawaaz sunoon uski, par kar nahin paaya. zindagi bhar jis cheez ka dar tha...aakhir wohi hua.
mere pasand ki ladki mujhe nahin mili... aur shaayad kabhi milegi bhi nahin.
you know ab mujhe dheere dheere ahsaas ho raha hai ki mera bura waqt aa gaya hai. kabhi kabhi bahut dard hota hai...par tumhein bol nahin paata. pata hai ki tum mujhe udaas na dekh paaogi.

miss u my sweetheart...
mmmuuuuaaaahhhhhh....

2007-07-09T16:35:00.000-07:00

kind of heartbroken...

There was a day when I wanted to live a life. Everyday when I woke up, I felt the sun rising, the birds chirping all around wishing me welcome, the air smiling at me. The day went so fresh, so vitalizing.

And today, its just a life I have to complete. There is nothing else which can be so tough to bear, nothing except the fact that I got unlucky. Someone wont marry me just because things got hazy even before I could figure out. Just because it didnt started the way I would have liked it to. Just because I wasnt matured enough.

We dont start loving...Love just happens.